Review: Panic Slowly: A Tomato Soup-Soaked Pandemic Thriller

Panic Slowly: A Tomato Soup-Soaked Pandemic Thriller by Steven Bayley
My rating: 2 of 5 stars

First, I have to confess to never having read any of Steven Bayley’s previous work. If this novel is any indication of the quality, however, it’s probably a good thing, as I’m sure my review will certainly not be very well received in the land of All-Things-Bayley.

Let’s start with the positives. This will be a short paragraph. Look, Bayley can write, and he does so with a poison pen that is sharp and takes no prisoners. It is the satirical wit that flows from that pen that keeps the pages turning. His style is informal and millennial, and the voice created is one that is easy to “hear”. Second, the plot is brilliant. Bayley uses the current Covid outbreak as a foundation upon which he builds a bigger, more horrific virus that leaves in its wake a trail of chaos. 80% of those infected live through the illness with a side effect of incredibly violent predilections, though 2% of the infected recover with no noticeable side effects. As the 2%ers struggle to survive, the “eighties” wreak havoc, and the few uninflected quarantine in small, exclusives groups and self-proclaimed militias. As is often the case, absolute power corrupts absolutely, and the road to perdition for humanity is littered with those who mismanage available assets and rule with iron fists that are tightly clasped around handfuls of greed.

Now for the part that drove me to distraction. Seriously. The story is set in Atlanta, and features characters who are very “American” and even bleed red, white and blue. For some unknown reason, however, these Georgia peaches and out-of-state transplants use COLLOQUIAL BRITISH/AUSTRALIAN  ENGLISH. They toss about words like “gobsmacked” and “cunt”; they go to “hospital” instead of “the hospital”; things are “wee” rather than “little”; and “belts and braces”is apparently an attempt to sound “down home”. They say things like “I was bloody impressed” and “how many of these bloody things were there?” They even call one another “mate”. Each instance of this blatant oversight on the part of the author made me want to scream, so that by the time I reached the final page, I was ready to unleash my pent up tension on the first thing that crossed my path. I apologize to Tybalt, my bengal, who sauntered in just as I was closing the Kindle.

Look, I tried to apply some deep philosophical bent to the whole thing, projecting that these were intentional choices meant to intensify the universality of the virus and the global nature of what remained of the world. Yeah, it didn’t work for me either. I am, myself, “gobsmacked” that the author’s editor let this go to print. Did he/she really not notice?? Is there ANY American who read this and did not notice?? Two stars, and that’s just because I’m nice.

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